Understanding and taming loneliness with Vivek Murthy
Together. The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by Vivek Murthy, 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States is a book that I came across when I needed it the most: during the pandemic and a very lonely period in my life. It captured my feelings and concerns so well that I believe it needs to be passed on to a broader audience. Importantly, and much more so after reading the book, I am aware that experiencing loneliness is an all-too-common occurrence nowadays.
Today’s culture of loneliness
According to the philosophy of self-determinism, which seems to have taken hold in modern cultures, we are told that we are solely responsible for our successes and failures. As a result, values such as family, friends, and social connections must fight for our time and attention as we frantically meet the present demands of the reality that we live in.
And the fact that we live in a world that is incredibly connected only adds to the complexity of the problem. While modern progress has offered us amazing technological advancements that have made connecting with others simpler than ever before, the same advancements have also resulted in increased social isolation, creating an illusion of ties. The constant connection provided by social media causes us to seek out real connections and direct interactions less frequently. I know how difficult it is for me to pick up the phone or schedule a gathering when I know that a text message or using an app can solve the problem.
The paradox of loneliness - what we feel when we experience loneliness
You may argue that I don’t need to tell you how loneliness feels like; we’ve all experienced it. However, reading about it in depth made me aware of many painful but powerful truths and helped me better understand my behavior. The first truth is that we all suffer from loneliness - the feeling that we're lacking essential social connections. And loneliness is important because it serves as a warning system, alerting us when we get a little too isolated from other people. We also experience loneliness in a collective sense, when we lack connection with individuals that share similar interests and goals in life. When we feel lonely, our preoccupation with self and hypervigilance cause us to misinterpret seemingly harmless social situations as threats, making the process of interacting with others much more difficult. Furthermore, prior experiences have taught us that we might be hurt or mistreated by others, leading to the paradox of loneliness - we are all suffering quietly in the company of other people. We are often discouraged from seeking help because of the shame that comes with feeling lonely. This vicious cycle may eventually persuade us that we are undeserving of love and attention, forcing us further inward and away from the relationships we really need.
Loneliness has a negative influence on both physical and mental health. We live shorter lives as a result of social isolation. It can be as harmful as smoking fifteen cigarettes each day, and it carries even more risks than obesity, heavy alcohol use, and physical inactivity. In cases of chronic loneliness, stress hormones promote cardiovascular stress and inflammation throughout the body, resulting in long-term damage. Another way loneliness affects mental and physical health is through impairing the quality of our sleep.
The most lonely period of my life
We all experienced incredibly lonely moments as a result of the pandemic. I moved from Washington, DC to Illinois shortly before it began, knowing only my husband. I was unable to engage in any professional activities for a long time since I was awaiting the completion of the green card process. In my new home, I felt alone and isolated, as if I didn't belong here. The book helped me recognize my frequent behavioral pattern at the time, which involved pushing away the only person I had — my husband. I learned more about the challenges of loneliness and isolation faced by immigrants, which I strongly identified with: loss of family and friends, lack of social networks, loss of identity, cultural differences. I've realized that all humans have an urgent need for social connection, even as an introverted person as I am.
The only way forward is to come together
To come together, we must first accept ourselves and be more compassionate toward one another. We also need to get more comfortable asking for and offering help. Helping others has this magic quality that makes us feel important and gives our lives some meaning. Working together if we’re not used to it might require some practice, though: learning to listen to each other again, fighting the urge to make assumptions. While bringing up all of the issues associated with our sometimes lonely lives can be frightening at times, the book is also full of hope. When we are together, we are more creative and happier, and our health and life satisfaction improve. That is also why I started this blog, to feel more connected, following the simple yet powerful advice:
