The difficult (?) task of acting with integrity
Just when I thought I was doing well on my path to creative rediscovery, the truth struck me while reading about integrity in last week's chapter of The Artist's Way. That reminded me of a great book on the subject, The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck, which I seem to be in desperate need of right now.
Today’s thoughts on integrity stem from the fact that I haven't felt in integrity lately. I definitely lack the experience Martha Beck describes:
“When you experience unity of intention, fascination, and purpose, you live like a bloodhound on a scent, joyfully doing what feels truest in each moment. Your daily work, whether it’s writing computer code, gardening, or building houses, is so absorbing that at the end of the day you don’t really want to stop. But when you do, you enjoy hanging out with loved ones so much, and sleep is so delicious you can’t imagine anything sweeter. And when you wake up the next morning, the day ahead seems so enticing you practically bound out of bed.”
Honestly, the way I've been feeling lately is more similar to this:
“In this rush to conform, we often end up ignoring or overruling our genuine feelings - even intense ones, like longing or anguish - to please our cultures. At that point, we’re divided against ourselves. We aren’t in integrity (one thing) but in duplicity (two things). Or we may try to fit in with a number of different groups, living in multiplicity (many things).”
Even though I’m gradually redefining my path, I’m not always crystal clear about my purpose. Emotions like anxiety and hopelessness are also signs that I'm living against my true nature. This is a good thing, though, because such emotions exist to warn us when we are losing our integrity, even if we are not always aware of it.
Martha Beck makes an important distinction between wanting and yearning, which appears to be at the core of the problem. We often want material things and success, but what we really yearn for is purpose and peace, all the things that money and status can’t buy. And conforming will get us what we want but not necessarily what we yearn for. Remembering this should help me make day-to-day decisions from now on. I just need to ask myself, "Is this something I want or something I yearn for?"
Instead of doing things that are culturally prescribed, we should do more things that make us happy on a daily basis. Drawing comes to mind when I think about what I enjoyed doing the most last week. Doing research-related work, though, was draining my energy. Logically, I should do less of it because it makes me unhappy, but I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. I'm growing to understand that my passion for learning and research can be realized in settings other than academia. When I think back on the numerous failed graduate school applications, I realize I'm trying to do the same thing over and over again using the same methods. Isn't it Albert Einstein who said that doing exactly that and expecting different results is crazy?
A lot of my battles with staying true to myself have to do with the thoughts I have about taking the alternative, desired path. I'm afraid that other people will not understand my motives, and that I will disappoint my loved ones. Martha Beck writes something that I’m guilty of:
“Our worst psychological suffering comes from thoughts that we genuinely believe, while simultaneously knowing they aren’t true.”
Even though I know that a traditional research path won’t make me happy, I still want to pursue it to find out. Although I know I want to work for myself, I keep getting jobs as if the net one could convince me I’m wrong. It seems pretty contradictory when I finally write it down, doesn't it?
Finally, Martha Beck advises:
“Ask yourself: If I was absolutely free, what would I do right now? Now ask yourself: Why am I not doing that thing?”
In my case, writing and drawing is the answer. Imagining my life without creative work seems painfully difficult. So why should I suffer when I can live in peace? My anxieties must come from the uncertainty of not knowing where this new path will lead me. However, it is also worth giving a shot. I may find myself more connected to my purpose and the world than I ever imagined. After all, not being understood and the exclusion I fear may be some of those many irrational thoughts.
