A new way of looking at imposter syndrome
You’re not enough. You don’t deserve to be where you are. Someone will find out about you and question your position. Your achievements are pure luck because you don’t really know anything. Nobody ever told me this to my face, but it’s something I’m guilty of telling myself frequently. I suffer from imposter syndrome.
I remember reading about impostor syndrome for the first time in my mid-twenties. Knowing that there are other people who feel the same way, that they are not capable or deserving, was truly enlightening. Imposter syndrome, first described by Clance and Imes in the late 1970s among high achieving women, is characterized by an enduring sense of self-doubt and non-belonging, despite contrary evidence. They wrote:
“In the past five years we have worked in individual psychotherapy, theme-centered interactional groups, and college classes with over 150 highly successful women — women who have earned Ph.D.'s in various specialties, who are respected professionals in their fields, or who are students recognized for their academic excellence. However, despite their earned degrees, scholastic honors, high achievement on standardized tests, praise and professional recognition from colleagues and respected authorities, these women do not experience an internal sense of success. They consider themselves to be "impostors." Women who experience the impostor phenomenon maintain a strong belief that they are not intelligent; in fact, they are convinced that they have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise.”
I recall the time before beginning my graduate studies in the Netherlands. Even before starting the program, I confessed to a friend that I was afraid I would not be up to the challenge and would come home humiliated, which was an irrational fear, me already undermining an experience that had not yet occurred. Throughout my three years of study abroad at Maastricht University, I was plagued by the feeling that I did not deserve to be there. I frequently felt like I was the most inept member of the class.
Another time I told myself, "You don't belong here", was when I got an interview with a research organization in the U.S. and was researching their website, studying the work and backgrounds of the team. I was concerned that my limited quantitative background would prevent me from doing a good job. I got the position and spent the first few months revising statistics in my spare time, rather than getting to know DC, the place where I would only spend a year.
None of my fears were realized, but in retrospect, I see that my constant worries, especially when studying abroad, undermined my performance and prevented me from fully enjoying the experience. And they acted as if they were a self-fulfilling prophecy.
As someone who has been involved in research and is considering pursuing a PhD, I am well aware that imposter syndrome is a serious issue in academic settings. As Judy Robertson rightly pointed out:
“When you think about it, it’s not that surprising that so many academics are wracked with self-doubt. Academia is a high-pressure environment with too many people competing for limited resources and where performance is measured against ridiculously high standards. To be an academic - even a successful one - is to live with regular rejection from reviewers, journal editors, promotion committees and grant funding panels. The continual cycle of trying one’s best, being rejected in highly competitive circumstances and then mustering the strength to try once more is draining.”
Recently, however, I read something new about imposter syndrome in Adam Grant’s Think Again that made me look at it from a different angle. According to Grant, those who suffer from imposter syndrome are better learners and are more driven. Once viewed as a limitation, impostor syndrome can be a catalyst for growth.
“Impostor thoughts can motivate us to work smarter. Feeling like an impostor puts us in a beginner’s mindset, leading us to question assumptions that others have taken for granted. Feeling like an impostor can make us better learners. Having some doubts about our knowledge and skills takes us off a pedestal, encouraging us to seek out insights from others.”
I can use my imposter syndrome to my advantage by going the extra mile and learning more now that I am fully aware of it. But it is difficult to recognize it once we’re confronted with a big challenge and self-loathing thoughts swirl in our minds. I’m not sure I'll ever be completely free of the fear of not being capable enough, in a professional sense. I think everyone feels like an imposter every now and then. If sharing our struggles helps to raise collective awareness, I wanted to share my experience in the same vein.
